ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
