you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
You don't make any sense
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