It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
