You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
