I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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