dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
