The police scanner is talking about you again....
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
