I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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