Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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