My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Randomize