Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize