Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
