Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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