Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
