Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
