i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
