he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
