you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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