Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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