This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
