I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
