Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize
