Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
