winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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