um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
