the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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