also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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