Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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