Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize