if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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