Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
