I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
