I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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