I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
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