Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
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