I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
