if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
