Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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