Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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