I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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