I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
