How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
