So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
