im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
