I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
there is glitter all over my balls
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