Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
