Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
