I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
