What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
