Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
