The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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