Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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