As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
