I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
