I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
we made out on top of his cat.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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