Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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