wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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