Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
