Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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