I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Randomize
