I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
